I don't think I have ever posted on a blog before. However, I am Lenka's editor and tend to put my two cents in when I edit her blog entries anyway. Now since we received our referral I feel compelled to at least share some thoughts on this stage of the adoption process.
As a father who has three biological children the 10 months of physical pregnancy was always more of a theoretical relationship rather then a practical relationship. Sure you are excited and in awe of the entire process but the actual bonding, at least for my part, didn't fully occur until I saw those little crinkly faces and held them for the first time. Prior to birth it was much more of a concern for Lenka rather then child. I don't remember if Lenka shared this on this blog but before we had Sam (our first) we went through a series of at least six first trimester miscarriages. Lenka took these very hard. She grieved for the lost child. I had some grief for the lost child but my grieving was much more for Lenka then for the child. I was hurting because she was hurting. Not until the three of them were born did I actually feel like I fully bonded with them. It wasn't a conscious effort it just happened. All of sudden you had this little person you were responsible for and it was 100% natural for me to take on the role of fatherhood. No regrets just the sheer exhilaration of being a proud new father.
When we started the adoption process we began a very extensive paper gathering process affectionately called a paper pregnancy. I lived and breathed every milestone of the paper pregnancy and I bonded with the concept of adoption. I think that if we didn't make it through paper pregnancy I would have taken the rejection personally and had a hard time coping with the fact that someone felt we had certain shortcomings or failures that would disqualify us from being acceptable parents to an adopted child. It was an emotionally draining experience for me. These types of feelings seem to be much more the type of maternal feelings that Lenka experienced during the miscarriages and pregnancy rather then the bystander feelings I had felt during her pregnancies. However, once the paper pregnancy was completed I went into a much more traditional waiting bystander mode similar to the feelings I had while waiting for the birth of our children. Lenka however went into pregnancy mode. The paperwork was done and somewhere in Ethiopia was a little girl that was hers. Lenka was nesting and preparing for the upcoming changes in her life. She started going through another pregnancy.
On October 19th we received the referral for a little two month old girl who turned three months old today. When I saw that goofy little grin for the first time this child was born to me. I instantly bonded. I became a proud father for the 4th time. Although I have never held her she is just as real to me in my mind as my other children. I constantly have her picture open on my work computer and catch myself taking peeks at her throughout the day. People must think I am weird because I just start laughing when I see her. However, the fatherly instincts in me are just breaking. God has given father's a natural disposition to be the protector and provider for their families. Every ounce of me wants to hold this child and let her know everything is fine and you are home now. In a much more perfect way God the Father sees us in much the same way. He knows who we are and he knows the number of hairs on our head. He longs for us to rest in his arms and trust in him as our protector and provider. In a way I believe that moment of birth is probably the closest representation of God's love for us. The parents best attempt at unconditional love for the child and the child's utter dependence on the parents. From that moment on the relationship begins to to loose it's purity because of sin on both sides. If you know me well you know that I am the biggest pushover for little infants. I am sad that I won't have that initial time with this little one. We will probably have her home by the time she is six months old. By then she will already be starting down her own path to independence. She will be dependent on us for many years to come but never like a newborn being held for the first time.
The picture of a father's love and the child's dependence is a beautiful but very flawed representation of God's unconditional love for us. After a few day's a new father begins to complain about getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, or just being inconvenienced (although compared to mom he has it pretty easy). On the child's part their sinful nature begins to manifest itself more and more. My two year old daughter still loves it when I come home from work. She still runs up to me and gives me a big hug and a big smile. The boys still welcome me but are more busy and have their own activities and concerns. I see my failings when I tell the kid's that I am too busy or tired to spend time with them. Don't get me wrong I love my kids very much and love to spend time with them and feel we have a wonderful relationship. I also realize that this desire for independence is a natural and good thing. It is just not the perfect relationship that God yearns for with his children. So what does that leave me with? Well ultimately our hope lies in our heavenly Father. Here is the perfect father. He has time to listen to all your problems, wipe your tears away, and give you comfort when no one else can. So you pray that your children will one day come to the realization that although their earthly father has shortcomings their heavenly Father doesn't and loves them unconditionally. It seems rather ironic that the picture of God's love for us is best represented at a child's birth but isn't manifested until death when God finally welcomes you into His arms of eternal rest.
I've rambled on long enough and hopefully not to philosophically for you. I can't wait to hold this little one for the first time. I look forward to the fact that one day she will be my daughter. I look forward to watching her grow from a baby into a woman who trusts and obeys her heavenly Father. What a wonderful day it will be we can pray together (along with the rest of the kiddos) Abba Father to the only one that can meet all our needs.
Peace
Fil
I cannot believe my baby is 7 years old. Sam had a birthday this past Sunday and we took him out to one of his favorite spots to eat the Bugaboo Creek Restaurant. Emma is not so sure about the talking buffalo and moose above the fireplace but the food is always good. I normally have my camera on me all the times but the only picture I have from Sunday is from the restaurant. I did make a soccer ball cake for Sam and we shared it with everybody at our Bible study. 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM !!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM !!!
